I HAFF DIED OH!! LWKMD

This is one of the funniest things i have read in a while,lwkmd oh!!!Convo thanks to NETng.com and Oluwole Leigh

0700 hrs
I woke up in the morning and my phone rang. President Janothan was on the line. He was furiously panting and breathing loudly. I got him to calm down and explain the reason for his discomfort. He let me know that hundreds of Nigerien youths had gathered at the gate of Osa Rock demanding his removal.

The Conversation ensued:

JANO: Comrade, comrade, what should I do? They want to remove me.

Me: Calm down, Oga Jano. How old are the protesters?

JANO: Comrade, they all look young, like University/ Polytechnic graduates.

Me: Good, very good, that means they are young people.

JANO: What do you mean ‘very good’? The situation is ‘very bad’. You know what such young people have done to governments all over the world and you are saying ‘very good’.

Me: Oga Jano, don’t mind them, Nigerian youth are not like all those suicidal youth that can confront armored tanks with bare fists. I know these people. Have you forgotten I am one of them?

JANO: I am really confused, what should I do? Should I go and call out Mummy Patience to talk to them?

Me: Oga Jano, nooooooooooo. Bad idea, not the time to call mummy now. Just calm down, take a deep breath and follow my instructions.

JANO: Okay, I am calming down, but I am very afraid. All my other comrades have disappeared, Ima Niboro is nowhere to be found, Oronto was last seen jumping the back fence, Orubebe told me he wanted to go and mobilize forces, but I strongly suspect he is back in the village.

Me: Oga Jano, E fara buruke bale.*

JANO: What does that mean?

Me: Don’t worry, It is a greeting in my native dialect. Now to the action plan. As long as they are young people, I can assure you that by the time we are through with our plans, they will all be gone.

JANO: I am all ears.

Me: Immediately fly in DJ Jimmy JATT from wherever he is in Lagos to come and set up and play background music. I know all those youths. The moment they hear correct jams, their anger will subside.

JANO: Ok, I will arrange for that. Let me call you back after that is done.

1000 hrs

My phone rings

JANO: Comrade, comrade, it is working. They have calmed down. Some are even dancing ‘palongo’.

Me: You see, I told you.

JANO: But do you think if we continue playing music they will eventually leave?

Me: Abi Oponu ni man yi sha? *

JANO: What did you say?

Me: It’s the way my village people say ‘Good Morning’.

JANO: Okay o.

Me: The Music we are playing is to calm them down. We now move to Step 2. This is where we will start dispersing them gradually.

JANO: Okay, I am all ears (DJ Plays ‘Scape Goat’ by D’banj in the background)

Me: Tell them that Daddy G.O has announced an emergency meeting at the camp on KM 46 Lagos/Ibadan Expressway. Tell them Daddy G.O says every young person between the ages of 15 and 35 must come to camp in the next 6 hours if they want to make heaven. Also, make sure you provide free transport for them.

JANO: But how do you expect them to just believe a statement like that? These people that gathered here for days are not that dumb to hear that and now disappear.

Me: What do you know about them? Their education and intelligence will be put aside the moment you introduce matters of religion. Oga Jano, just make sure you mention that the message is from DADDY G.O

JANO: Okay, let me get back to you (DJ Plays ‘Implication’ by 2face)

1100 hrs

My phone rings

JANO: Comrade, my good comrade, half of them have disappeared. If you saw how they were scrambling to travel down to Lagos, you will have thought the world was about to end. That Daddy G.O man must be powerful o. I will like to meet him.

Me: What do you mean by ‘you will like to meet him’? But, newspaper pictures showed you kneeling down before him for prayers the other day. You have met him already.

JANO: Aa ah ah, I think I remember now. If you know the number of places I have gone to kneel down for prayers, you will understand why I keep getting their names confused. Now, my good comrade, what is the next step? Should I do gender balancing by saying Mummy G.O says they should come and meet her?

Me: E rori e, opolo e o ju ti apeja lo *, Mummy G.O ko, Mummy G.O ni

JANO: Comrade, you have come again with your mother tongue, Is that Yoruba for ‘Good afternoon’?

Me: Exactly, we have to move to the next step, forget religion; we have played that card already. All those young people that don’t know God always know ‘Shayo’. We are now going to tap into the ‘Shayo’ factor.

JANO: Comrade, what is the meaning of ‘Shayo’?

Me: Oga Jano, I am sure you have heard of ‘burukutu’, ‘akpeteshi’.

JANO: My Comrade, You are trivializing matters of life and death. People are calling for my head; you are busy talking about ‘burukutu’.

Me: Cool Down Oga Jano. We are now going to tap into the ‘Shayo’ factor. Declare an immediate cancellation of import duties and introduction of subsidy of Moet, Hennessy, Jack Daniel and Grey Goose. Tell them that your government has decided that all those drinks will now sell for not more than N1000.

JANO: Are you serious that will work? What are all those strange drinks that you are mentioning?

ME: Oga Jano, go and try out the formula. If it doesn’t work, call me bastard. Have you forgotten I know all these people?

1200 hrs

My phone rings

JANO: Po Po po po Po pop something Po Po Po Pop something.

Me: Jano, are you okay?

JANO: Po Pop something.

Me: Oga Jano, who taught you that song?

JANO: My very good comrade, you should have seen the effect. The moment I announced a ‘National Drinks Subsidy’, they all screamed. The DJ just played a song. You should have seen how they all burst out in dancing and singing. They taught me the song ‘Po Po Po’. You should have seen them ‘pop-ing something’ as they danced home.

ME: Oga Jano, I told you now, all those young people, so-called activists, those that don’t follow The Bible will follow Hennessey.

JANO: Comrade, I assure you when this trouble is over, we will have a private session to ‘po something’.

Me: No problem sir, I remain your humble adviser. However, are they all gone?

JANO: That’s true, some stubborn ones remain o. These ones look very educated, intellectual and scientific. They seem not to be moved by God or Hennessey. I really don’t know what to do. Don’t you think I should call Mummy Patience to come and take over?

Me: Ah ah, this is not a matter for Mummy o. At all at all. Let her stay where she is. I know those stubborn ones. I know them very well.

JANO: Are you serious? You have a solution to them too?

Me: I know them very well. We have to give an academic solution to an academic problem. Oga Jona, step 4 consists of two sub-steps. Listen closely: Step 4a – Announce that you have endowed a Janothan award for good governance as part of the next Tomorrow Awards. Tell them you will move the awards from Lagos to Abuja with an all expense paid World tour for both organizers and winners. I assure you, some of them will take off. In case that doesn’t work, we move to Step 4b – You have to meet these people at the point of their needs; Declare that you are awarding Masters scholarships to Harvard, Oxford, Insead or any other Ivy league school. The scholarships are to be used for studying useless courses like Developmental Economics, Environmental Sustainability and Third World Econometrics, Social Research, Political Development. I can assure you that those that do not follow God and will not follow Hennessy will definitely follow ‘book’.

JANO: My good comrade, let me get back to you.

1600 hrs

My phone rings

JANO: My Good comrade, sorry for keeping you waiting. Your last suggestion worked but it took time. You can imagine that those educated ones, even though they were still going to leave, took about 3 hours of deliberations and arguments among themselves before they departed. I don’t understand, why do you have to discuss for 3 hours what you are going to do before eventually doing it.

Me: Oga Jano, I told you now, the educated ones are tougher, they will analyze until they paralyze. Anyway, have they all gone?

JANO: Yes, the intellectuals were the last set. But wait ooo, what is this noise I am hearing?

Noise is heard in the background; DJ Jimmy JATT packs up his equipment and takes off.

1700 hrs

JANO: Comrade, comrade, they have come again o, about 100 people just showed up from nowhere. These ones are totally different. Music does not seem to work on them, I doubt if our other schemes will work. Comrade, we are in trouble. My days in fact my minutes are numbered…

Me: Oga Jano, calm down, calm down, let me think…

JONA: Comrade, there is no time to think o. They will soon start climbing the walls.

Me: Give me some time. Let me call you back.

JANO: Ha, comrade, don’t leave me o, don’t leave me o.

1800 hrs

My phone rings

JANO: Comrade, why are you no picking up my phone. How can the Chief Commander in charge of the Nigerian Forces be calling you and you will not pick up?

Me: Commander ko, Ebenezer Obey ni.

JONA: Same to you, same to you hundred times. You think I don’t know you have been abusing me in your mother tongue. You have forgotten that I did my NYSC in Osun State? You think… (Cuts in)

Me: Oga Jano, I will drop this line o…

JANO: Comrade, comrade, let us put our emotions aside. We are all tired. It has been a long day. Let us not turn on ourselves. I beg you in the name of all that are IZON, what is the solution to these latest set of brigands? Talk now or I am in trouble…

Me: You know the solution already. It is with you.

JANO: Stop speaking in parables comrade.

Me: We need to call on Mummy Patience. Go and address the youth and tell that Mummy Patience is coming out to address them and then wait for the reaction.

JANO: Aa ha, comrade, if it backfires we are all in trouble; you, me and the rest of us.

Me: Just go and tell them Mummy Patience will come and speak to them

1900 hrs

Phone Rings

JANO: Po Po Po Po Po Po something, comrade you cannot believe it. Unbelievable! Unfathomable!! Unimaginable!!! They have all gone, disappeared into thin air, vamoosed faster than the harmattan wind that blows in my hometown, Otuoke.

Me: Oga J, tell me something. How did it happen?

JANO: The moment I told them that Mummy Patience was coming to speak to them. They all took off in various directions, shouting that they are afraid for their lives. They were shouting that they do not want to die young. It must be a sign of respect for Mummy patience. They must really respect her or how else do you explain the fact that people who are not scared of AK-47 are suddenly scared of Mummy Patience. It is simply too much respect for her

Me: Aah, Oga J, You will not understand. If they had allowed Mummy to talk, it would have been more than AK-47. They have too much respect. In fact, the word is not respect, it is ‘Reskept’. Help me tell Mummy that Nigerians reskept her too much. Reskept is too much. If all fails, try Mummy P.

THE END

Glossary

E fara buruku bale - Calm your useless self down

Abi Oponu ni man yi sha? – Is this man a fool?

E rori e , opolo e o ju ti apeja lo – Look at his head, his brain is just like that of a fisherman